Stand Up Against Domestic Violence

Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves, their partners and society:

"I just need to be understood".

"I had a bad childhood."

"I can't control it."

"I get angry."

"She fights too."

"She pushes my buttons."

"If I don't control her, she will control me."

"My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting."

"I have a lot of stress in my life."

"I just have an anger management problem."

"I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs."

Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling and coercive conduct that serves to deprive victims of safety and autonomy. Perpetrators believe they are entitled to power and control over their partners and perceive all interactions within relationships through a prism of compliance or disobedience. Perpetrators use abusive tactics to reinforce their rules and maintain absolute control over their victims.

Perpetrators come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.

They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first. Many perpetrators are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.

Characteristics

Domestic violence perpetrators:

seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner.

restrict all of the victim's rights and freedoms

punish their partner for breaking their rules or challenging the perpetrator's authority

Men who batter:

minimize the seriousness of their violence

believe they are entitled control their partner

use anger, alcohol/drug use, and stress as excuses for their abusive behaviors

blame the victim for the violence

A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that "if only" she had acted differently, he wouldn't have abused her. Sometimes he will say, "You made me do it."

Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.

Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:

observation.

experience.

culture.

family.

community (peer group, school, etc.).

Abuse is not caused by:

mental illness.

Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately.

genetics.

alcohol and drugs.

Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use. Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships. Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse.

Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.

out-of-control behavior.

anger.

stress.

behavior of the victim.

problems in the relationship.

A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a "right" to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:

"I hit the wall, not her head."

"She bruises easily."

"She just fell down the steps."

"Her face got in the way of my fist."

Characteristics of a Potential Batterer: Jealousy

Controlling behavior

Quick involvement

Unrealistic expectations

Isolation of victim

Blames others for his problems

Blames others for his feelings

Hypersensitivity

Cruelty to animals or children

"Playful" use of force during sex

Verbal abuse

Rigid sex roles

Jekyll and Hyde type personality

History of past battering

Threats of violence

Breaking or striking objects

Any force during an argument

Objectification of women

Tight control over finances

Minimization of the violence

Manipulation through guilt

Extreme highs and lows

Expects her to follow his orders

Frightening rage

Use of physical force

Closed mindedness

Manipulation

Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by:

Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.

Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's financial hardship.

Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy" and making things up.

Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.

Telling police she hit him, too.

Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.

Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.

Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:

Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.

Talking about his "difficult childhood".

Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.

Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.

Crying, begging for forgiveness.

Promising it will "never happen again."

Promising to get counseling, to change.

Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

Red Flags Of Abuse

You may be involved with a perpetrator if any of the following "red flags" exist in the relationship:

Quick involvement- the perpetrator pushes for a commitment or major event to occur very early in the relationship.

Isolation -the perpetrator begins asking you to spend less time with your friends and family and more time with him. You end up no longer maintaining close relationships with friends or family members.

Suggestions for change- the perpetrator has lots of suggestions on how you can improve your appearance, behavior etc. You begin to make changes solely based on these suggestions.

Controlling behaviors- the perpetrator influences your decisions on hobbies, activities, dress, friends, daily routines etc. You begin to make fewer and fewer decisions without the perpetrator's opinion or influence.

Information gathering and pop-ins - the perpetrator wants to know the specific details of your day and rarely leaves you alone when you are not with him, such as when you are at work or out with friends.

Any forms of abuse - the perpetrator may use name calling, intimidation, humiliation, shoving, pushing or other forms of abuse to get you to do whatever they want you to do.

These red flags may indicate that you are involved with a perpetrator of domestic violence. These red flags may occur early in the relationship and be explained by the perpetrator as caring or loving behaviors such as "I just check on you because I miss you" or "I just want what is best for you" or "I just want us to work on our relationship and spend more time together."

Domestic violence is prevalent in all societies and all socio-economic groups. It is such a complicated issue it can be very difficult for the ordinary person to deal with. The best thing you can do is leave the issue of domestic violence to those who know how to deal with it. We are lucky we have those who are dedicated and have the skills to handle issues of domestic violence. Donating to such programs as, Christmas cards for charity each year will mean you are helping your society in your own way. Education is the only other way we can help to reduce this insidious crime in our societies.

There are many myths associated with domestic violence, and yet many of them are very untrue. Although there are variations in different cultures, when we look at typical western societies, such as those of Europe, Australia and the United States, there are some common and general facts. This article is a compilation of those facts and comes from a variety of credible sources.

Partner: In western societies, women are most likely to be raped, abused, injured or even killed by someone they know, or their partner, than any other kind of criminal.

Medical Attention: Research in the United States suggests that the medical attention needed to treat women who are the victims of domestic violence is more than is needed for the combined total from muggings and car crashes each year.

Murders. According to the FBI: 30% of female murder victims were murdered by their partner or husband and 6% of men were murdered by their girlfriends or wives.

Race and Economy: Domestic violence may occur in some cultures more than others. Middle Eastern and other Asian societies are well-known for their poor treatment of women, but the fact remains that domestic violence occurs in all societies, all races and all socio-economic groups.

Repeat: According to the National Crime Survey data (USA), once a woman has been the victim of domestic violence the chance of that happening again is very high. During a 6 month time period of those in the study, over 30% of them were beaten again.

Women: While we are seeing more cases of men being the victim of domestic violence, according to research in the United States (Department of Justice), 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women.

Physical? Domestic violence is not just a matter of physical abuse. Mental, emotional, and financial abuse are all factors that make up domestic violence.

Domestic violence is everywhere. Although most of the facts and figures above come from sources in the United States, it is fair to say that they are a good indication of the situation in other countries like Australia, New Zealand, and other regions such as Latin America and Europe. How are you going to help combat this insidious disease in our society? Are you a victim of domestic violence without even knowing?

ABUSERS TYPICALLY:

· Can have very short fuses and become immediately angry, while others, equally as typical, are very cold and calculating.

· Deny that the abuse has occurred or make light of a violent episode.

· Blame the victim, other people or outside events for the violent attack.

ABUSERS DON’T ACT BECAUSE THEY ARE “OUT OF CONTROL.”

· Abusers choose to respond to a situation violently. They are making a conscious decision to behave in a violent manner.

· They know what they’re doing and what they want from their victims.

· They are not acting out of anger.

· They are not reacting to stress.

· They are not helplessly under the control of drugs and alcohol.

ABUSE IS A LEARNED BEHAVIOR.

· It is not a “natural” reaction to an outside event.

· It is not “normal” to behave in a violent manner within a personal relationship.

· It is learned from seeing abuse used as a successful tactic of control - often in the home in which the abuser grew up.

· It is reinforced when abusers are not arrested or prosecuted or otherwise held responsible for their acts.

ABUSERS MAY:

· Express remorse and beg for forgiveness with seemingly loving gestures.

· Be hard workers and good providers.

· Be witty, charming, attractive and intelligent.

· At times, be loving parents.

Who Are The Victims?

MOST VICTIMS ARE WOMEN.

· A large majority of all reported victims are women.

· Teen-aged, pregnant and elderly women are especially at risk.

CHILDREN CAN BE DIRECT OR INDIRECT VICTIMS.

· They may be battered themselves.

· They may be forced to see their parent battered in front of them.

· The batterer may use threats to harm them as a means of controlling the victim.

· They grow up seeing battery as the natural way for domestic partners to relate to each other.

· They grow up in an insecure environment filled with tension and violence.

TEENAGERS EXPERIENCE DATING VIOLENCE.

· Teenagers are just as vulnerable to relationship violence and it is just as dangerous.

· Teenagers may not seek help because they distrust adults.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CAN ALSO OCCUR IN GAY AND LESBIAN HOUSEHOLDS.

· Gay and lesbian relationships are not immune to the pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors that constitute domestic violence.

· Victims may not seek help because they fear that no one will believe that violence occurs in gay and lesbian relationships.

ELDERLY FAMILY MEMBERS CAN BE VICTIMS.

· They may be battered by their adult children or caretakers.

· They may be physically unable to defend themselves or escape from the abuse.

· They may be physically or mentally unable to report the abuse to anyone.

VICTIMS ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THE VIOLENCE

· Studies have found no characteristic link between personality type and being a victim.

· Victims cannot stop the abuse by simply changing how they behave.

· Victims deserve to be safe from violence, regardless of age or sexual orientation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Help a Friend Who is a

Domestic Violence Victim:

1. Bring up the subject. Don’t be afraid to let her know your concerns. Say that you can see what’s happening and that you want to help. Let her know she is not alone.

2. Acknowledge that she’s in a very difficult, scary situation. Let her know that it’s not her fault that she’s being battered. Encourage her to express her feelings of hurt or anger or humiliation. Remind her that the batterer, not the victim, is responsible for the abuse. Remember that it may be difficult for her to talk about it with you.

3. Don’t buy into her denial. If she refuses to acknowledge that she’s in a dangerous situation, let her know that you believe she is, and that you are concerned for her safety.

4. Respect her right to make her own decisions. Let her find her own way to her decisions. Don’t start with what you think she should do, or insist that she follow your plan.

5. Discuss this booklet with her. Help her identify the abusive behavior she is suffering. Go over the Power & Control and Equality wheels. Talk about shelters and the hotline.

6. Go with her. If she needs medical care, go with her. If she is going to the police, to court, or to see a lawyer, offer to go along. But let her do the talking.

7. Plan safe strategies with her. If she is contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, help her to develop her “safety plan.” Make sure she’s comfortable with the plan. Never encourage her to follow a plan that she doesn’t consider “safe.”

*In this section we refer to a female victim because the overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims are women. However, these guidelines apply equally to male victims.

Domestic Violence How to Let Your Friends help You:

If you are the domestic violence victim, let the people who care about you help you.

1. Confide in someone you trust. If you have a friend or relative who cares about your safety, tell them about the abuse. Sharing a burden with someone makes it lighter. If you’ve left your abusive relationship and are feeling lonely and tempted to return, talk it out with a friend who knows the situation.

2. Don’t get talked into taking action that doesn’t feel right to you. You are the only one who knows if you’re ready to leave your relationship, or go to the police, or seek emergency shelter. Make your own decisions, based on your own comfort level.

3. Leave an “emergency stash” with a friend. This could include extra money, a set of car keys, a change of clothes and copies of important documents that may come in handy in an emergency. Think of what you might need if you have to leave your home in a hurry.

4. Ask a friend to accompany you to important appointments. If you have medical appointments, or are going to the police, or to court, or to see a lawyer, take a friend along for moral support.

5. Discuss this booklet with a friend. Go over the Power & Control and Equality wheels. Discuss the types of abuse you are experiencing. Discuss your emergency plans.

6. Make sure a friend knows about your Personal Safety Plan. Ahead you will see how to start making your own Personal Safety Plan. Go over them with a friend and give that friend a copy of the plan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His touch was not a loving one,

meant to soothe her fears.

An embrace was not a warm one,

a display for their peers.

His voice was not a kind one,

full of scorn & jeers.

Her life was not an easy one,

seen through eyes of tears.

With a promise to love and cherish

throughout all her life,

why does he treat her so,

the one he calls his wife.

Every night she prays to God,

to save her from this hell,

of broken hearts & shattered dreams,

her existance a hollow shell.

The face she shows to others,

is just a shadowed veil,

the loving home she wants,

has turned into her jail.

Author: Randall Beers

Who Are the Possible Victims of Domestic Violence?

Violence in relationships is a huge problem. Who is most at-risk of being a victim of domestic violence?

In all cultures, batterers are most commonly male. Rural and urban women of all religious, ethnic, socio-economic and educational backgrounds, and of varying ages, physical abilities and lifestyles can be affected by domestic violence. There is not a typical woman who will be battered - the risk factor is being born female.

Heterosexual males may also be victims of domestic violence as perpetrated by their female partners. They experience the same dynamics of interpersonal violence as female victims including experiences of disbelief, ridicule and shame that only enhance their silence. However, there are specific cultural groups whose peculiar vulnerabilities may put the members of that population at risk of experiencing violence in their relationships.

Battered immigrant and refugee women in the United States have further complications by issues of gender, race socioeconomic status, immigration status and language in addition to those complications of intimate partner violence. A battered woman who is not a legal resident or whose immigrant status depends on her partner is isolated by cultural dynamics that may prevent her from leaving her husband, seeking support from local agencies that may not understand her culture or requesting assistance from an unfamiliar American legal system. Some obstacles may include a distrustful attitude toward the legal system, language and cultural barriers (that may at the least be unknown and at the worst hostile), and fear of deportation.

Children witnessing domestic violence and living in an environment where violence occurs may experience some of the same trauma as abused children. Not all children are affected by domestic violence in the same way. Children may become fearful, inhibited, aggressive, antisocial, withdrawn, anxious, depressed, angry, confused; suffer from disturbed sleep, problems with eating, difficulties at school and challenges in making friends. Children often feel caught in the middle between their parents and find it difficult to talk to either of them. Adolescents may act out or exhibit risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol use, running away, sexual promiscuity and criminal behavior. Young men may try to protect their mothers, or they may become abusive to their mothers themselves. Children may be injured if they try to intervene in the violence in their homes.

Individuals with physical, psychiatric and cognitive disabilities may not only experience sexual and domestic violence at a higher rate from intimate partners or spouses than the mainstream population, but, unlike the mainstream population, they may also experience mistreatment, abuse, neglect and exploitation from their caretakers, including personal assistants, paid staff, family members and parents. Examples can be the denial of medications and personal care, the use of psychotropic medication as a restraint, daily and intimate care mistreatment and neglect, inaccessible organizations and facilities, unavailable or disabling assistive technology devices essential for communication and movement, improper use of restraints and the denial of life-sustaining medical treatment and therapies. Yet, this population gets little attention from the community, the media or policy makers allowing the abuse to continue without restraint in isolation and apathy.

Older battered women are a nearly invisible, yet tragically sizable population and uniquely vulnerable to domestic violence. Older women are more likely to be bound by traditional and cultural ideology that prevents them from leaving an abusive spouse or from seeing themselves as a victim. Older women are very often financially dependent on their abusive spouse and do not have access to the financial resources they need to leave an abusive relationship. Many older women find themselves isolated from their family, friends and community, due to their spouses' neglect and abuse. This is especially true because older women suffer greater rates of chronic illness, which makes them dependent upon their spouses or caregivers and thus, reluctant or unable to report abuse.

Rural battered women face lack of resources, isolation, small town politics, few if any support agencies, and poor or little transportation and communication systems in addition to the other complications of intimate partner violence that is intensified by the rural lifestyle. Sexist, racist, misogynist, anti-semitic and homophobic language and actions are often more acceptable in rural communities, and attitudes seem slower to change. The patriarchal "good old boys" network, fundamentalist religious teachings, deep-rooted cultural traditions and commonly accepted sexual stereotyping can form a chorus of accusations that the battered rural woman is unfaithful in her role as a woman, wife and mother. The act of leaving the homeplace, land and animals that could depend on her may be emotionally wrenching leaving the battered rural woman surrounded by walls of guilt and self-abasement.

Same sex battering is one person's use of physical, sexual or emotional violence or the threat of violence or the fear of outing to gain and maintain control over another and sweeps the entire population regardless of culture, race, occupation, income level and degree of physical or cognitive ability. Although battering is occasionally an isolated act, once it begins, it often continues and escalates in frequency and severity. In addition, the fear of homophobic and hostile law enforcement, judiciary, court personnel, medical and social service providers and domestic violence programs may keep lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and Inter-sex victims of same sex violence from leaving their abusive relationship and seeking help.

Teen dating violence may be one of the major sources of violence in teen life. Even in the best of circumstances, the passage from childhood to adulthood is often one of awkwardness and unease. When that passage is marked with danger and violence that explodes in relationships, then the journey into adulthood becomes even more overwhelmingly complex. Given that social, cultural, religious and family messages about intimacy and relationships between teens can be confusing, misleading, nonexistent or even unhealthy, many teens find themselves unsure of what to expect and how to behave in dating or intimate relationships. Fear, misconceptions, lack of services, low self-esteem, control by the abuser, peer pressure and concern about family response all combine to keep battered teens trapped in silence and secrecy.

Domestic Violence Fact Sheet

Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence (IVP), partner abuse, and spousal abuse, is a serious, preventable public health problem that affects millions of Americans. The terms domestic violence or intimate partner violence describe physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse. This type of violence can occur among heterosexual or same-sex couples and does not require sexual intimacy.

Domestic violence can vary in frequency and severity. It often starts with emotional abuse. This behavior can progress to physical or sexual assault, and several types of domestic violence may occur together.

Types of Domestic Violence

There are four main types of intimate partner violence (Saltzman et al. 2002):

Physical violence is the intentional use of physical force with the potential for causing death, disability, injury, or harm. Physical violence includes, but is not limited to, scratching; pushing; shoving; throwing; grabbing; biting; choking; shaking; slapping; punching; burning; use of a weapon; and use of restraints or one's body, size, or strength against another person.

Sexual violence is divided into three categories: 1) use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against his or her will, whether or not the act is completed; 2) attempted or completed sex act involving a person who is unable to understand the nature or condition of the act, to decline participation, or to communicate unwillingness to engage in the sexual act, e.g., because of illness, disability, or the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or because of intimidation or pressure; and 3) abusive sexual contact.

Threats of physical or sexual violence use words, gestures, or weapons to communicate the intent to cause death, disability, injury, or physical harm.

Psychological/emotional violence involves trauma to the victim caused by acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics. Psychological/emotional abuse can include, but is not limited to, humiliating the victim, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, withholding information from the victim, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, and denying the victim access to money or other basic resources. It is considered psychological/emotional violence when there has been prior physical or sexual violence or prior threat of physical or sexual violence. In addition, stalking is often included among the types of IPV. Stalking generally refers to "harassing or threatening behavior that an individual engages in repeatedly, such as following a person, appearing at a person's home or place of business, making harassing phone calls, leaving written messages or objects, or vandalizing a person's property" (Tjaden & Thoennes 1998).

Domestic Violence Is A Serious Public Health Problem

Each year, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner related physical assaults and rapes. Men are the victims of about 2.9 million intimate partner related physical assaults. (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000).

Intimate partner abuse resulted in 2,340 deaths in 2007. Of these deaths, 70% were females and 30% were males. (Bureau of Justice Statistics 2011).

The medical care, mental health services, and lost productivity (e.g., time away from work) cost of domestic violence was an estimated $5.8 billion in 1995. Updated to 2003 dollars, that’s more than $8.3 billion. (CDC 2003; Max et al. 2004).

Physical violence by an intimate partner has also been associated with a number of adverse health outcomes (Breiding, Black, and Ryan, 2008). Several health conditions associated with intimate partner violence may be a direct result of the physical violence (for example, bruises, knife wounds, broken bones, back or pelvic pain, headaches). Studies have also demonstrated the impact of intimate partner violence on the endocrine and immune systems through chronic stress or other mechanisms (Crofford, 2007; Leserman and Drossman, 2007) Examples include:

Fibromyalgia

Irritable bowel syndrome

Gynecological disorders

Pregnancy difficulties like low birth weight babies and perinatal deaths

Sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS

Central nervous system disorders

Gastrointestinal disorders

Heart or circulatory conditions

Children may become injured during violent incidents between their parents. A large overlap exists between intimate partner violence and child maltreatment (Appel and Holden 1998).

Physical violence is typically accompanied by emotional or psychological abuse (Tjaden and Thoennes 2000). IPV-whether sexual, physical, or psychological-can lead to various psychological consequences for victims (Bergen 1996; Coker et al. 2002; Heise and Garcia-Moreno 2002; Roberts, Klein, and Fisher 2003):

Depression

Antisocial behavior

Suicidal behavior in females

Anxiety

Low self-esteem

Inability to trust others, especially in intimate relationships

Fear of intimacy

Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder

Emotional detachment

Sleep disturbances

Flashbacks

Replaying assault in the mind

Women with a history of intimate partner abuse are more likely to display behaviors that present further health risks (e.g., substance abuse, alcoholism, suicide attempts) than women without a history of intimate partner abuse.

Partner abuse is associated with a variety of negative health behaviors (Heise and Garcia-Moreno 2002; Plichta 2004; Roberts, Auinger, and Klein 2005; Silverman et al. 2001). Studies show that the more severe the violence, the stronger its relationship to negative health behaviors by victims.

Engaging in high-risk sexual behavior

Unprotected sex

Decreased condom use

Early sexual initiation

Choosing unhealthy sexual partners

Multiple sex partners

Trading sex for food, money, or other items

Using harmful substances

Smoking cigarettes

Drinking alcohol

Drinking alcohol and driving

Illicit drug use

Unhealthy diet-related behaviors

Fasting

Vomiting

Abusing diet pills

Overeating

Overuse of health services

Risk Factors for Domestic Violence

Risk factors are associated with a greater likelihood of intimate partner violence victimization or perpetration. They are contributing factors and may or may not be direct causes. Not everyone who is identified as "at risk" becomes involved in violence.

Some risk factors for domestic violence victimization and perpetration are the same. In addition, some risk factors for victimization and perpetration are associated with one another; for example, childhood physical or sexual victimization is a risk factor for future perpetration and victimization.

A combination of individual, relational, community, and societal factors contribute to the risk of becoming a victim or perpetrator of IPV. Understanding these multilevel factors can help identify various opportunities for prevention.

Individual Risk Factors

Low self-esteem

Low income

Low academic achievement

Young age

Aggressive or delinquent behavior as a youth

Heavy alcohol and drug use

Depression

Anger and hostility

Antisocial personality traits

Borderline personality traits

Prior history of being physically abusive

Having few friends and being isolated from other people

Unemployment

Emotional dependence and insecurity

Belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance and aggression in relationships)

Desire for power and control in relationships

Perpetrating psychological aggression

Being a victim of physical or psychological abuse (consistently one of the strongest predictors of perpetration)

History of experiencing poor parenting as a child

History of experiencing physical discipline as a child

Relationship Factors

Marital conflict-fights, tension, and other struggles

Marital instability-divorces or separations

Dominance and control of the relationship by one partner over the other

Economic stress

Unhealthy family relationships and interactions

Community Factors

Poverty and associated factors (e.g., overcrowding)

Low social capital-lack of institutions, relationships, and norms that shape a community's social interactions

Weak community sanctions against violence (e.g., unwillingness of neighbors to intervene in situations where they witness violence)

Societal Factors

Traditional gender norms (e.g., women should stay at home, not enter workforce, and be submissive; men support the family and make the decisions)

Domestic Violence Prevention

The goal is to stop domestic violence before it begins. There is a lot to learn about how to prevent abuse between intimate partners. We do know that strategies that promote healthy behaviors in relationships are important. Programs that teach young people skills for dating can prevent violence. These programs can stop violence in dating relationships before it occurs.

We know less about how to prevent intimate partner abuse in adults. However, some programs that teach healthy relationship skills seem to help stop violence before it ever starts.

Self-injury/cutting

Self-injury is the act of deliberately harming your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It's not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger and frustration.

While self-injury may bring a momentary sense of calm and a release of tension, it's usually followed by guilt and shame and the return of painful emotions. And with self-injury comes the possibility of inflicting serious and even fatal injuries.

Because self-injury is often done on impulse, it may be considered an impulse-control behavior problem. Self-injury may accompany a variety of mental illnesses, such as depression, eating disorders and borderline personality disorder.

Symptoms:

Because self-injury is often kept secret, it may be difficult to spot signs and symptoms. Self-injury symptoms may include:

Scars, such as from burns or cuts

Fresh cuts, scratches, bruises or other wounds

Broken bones

Keeping sharp objects on hand

Spending a great deal of time alone

Relationship troubles

Wearing long sleeves or long pants, even in hot weather

Claiming to have frequent accidents or mishaps

Forms of self-injury

One of the most common forms of self-injury is cutting, which involves making cuts or scratches on your body with a sharp object. Forms of self-harm, include:

Severe scratching

Cutting

Burning

Poisoning

Carving words or symbols on the skin

Breaking bones

Hitting or punching

Piercing the skin with sharp objects

Head banging

Biting

Pulling out hair

Interfering with wound healing

People who self-injure may use more than one method of harming themselves. Self-injury is often an impulsive act. You may become upset, or triggered, and develop an urge to hurt yourself.

Many people only self-injure a few times and then stop. However, for others, self-injury can become a repetitive behavior, occurring multiple times, rather than just once or twice. Most frequently, the arms, legs and front of the torso are the targets of self-injury because these areas can be easily reached and easily hidden under clothing. But any area of the body may be used for self-injury.

When to see a doctor

Emergency situations

If you have injured yourself severely or believe your injury may be life-threatening, call 911 or your local emergency services provider. If a loved one has injured himself or herself severely, take him or her to the hospital or call for emergency help. If possible, take away any instruments used for self-injury.

If you're hurting yourself

If you are injuring yourself, even in a minor way, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, reach out for help. Any form of self-injury is a sign of bigger issues that need to be addressed. Self-injury poses the risk of serious injury, infection or disfigurement, or even death. And self-injury has some addictive qualities, making it hard to overcome on your own.

While you may feel ashamed and embarrassed about your behavior, you can find supportive, caring and nonjudgmental help. Getting appropriate treatment can help you learn healthier ways to cope — ways that won't leave your body permanently scarred. Try to work up the courage to talk to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, loved one, health care provider or a school official. Someone you trust can help you take the first steps to successful treatment.

When a friend or loved one self-injures

If you have a friend or loved one who's self-injuring, you may not know what to do. You may be shocked and scared. Learning more about self-injury can help you understand why it occurs and help you develop a compassionate but firm approach to helping your loved one stop this harmful behavior.

If your loved one is an adult, gently encourage him or her to seek medical treatment. If it's your child, you can start by consulting your pediatrician or family doctor, who can provide an initial evaluation or a referral to a mental health specialist. Don't yell at your child or make threats or accusations — doing so may increase the risk that your child will self-injure.

If you discover that your teenaged friend is self-injuring, let him or her know that you care and let your friend know that he or she has options. Suggest that your friend talk to his or her parents, a teacher, a school counselor or another trusted adult. If your friend doesn't seek help, you may need to let someone know what's going on. Although you might feel that you'd be betraying your friend, self-injury is too big a problem for your friend to deal with alone. Ask your parent, a teacher or your school counselor for help.

Causes:

There's no one single or simple cause that leads someone to self-injure. The mix of emotions that triggers self-injury is complex. In general, self-injury is usually the result of an inability to cope in healthy ways with deep psychological pain. For instance, you may have a hard time regulating, expressing or understanding your emotions. Physical injury distracts you from these painful emotions or helps you feel a sense of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation.

When you feel emotionally empty, self-injury is a way to feel something, anything, even if it's physical pain. It also offers an external way to express internal feelings. You may also turn to self-injury as a way to punish yourself for perceived faults. Sometimes self-injury may be an attempt to seek attention or to manipulate others.

Risk factors:

Certain factors may increase the risk of self-injury, including:

Age. Most people who self-injure are teenagers. Self-injury often starts in the early teen years, when emotions are more volatile and children face increasing peer pressure, loneliness, and conflicts with parents or other authority figures.Having friends who self-injure. People who have friends who intentionally harm themselves are more likely to begin self-injuring.Life issues. Some people who injure themselves were sexually, physically or emotionally abused as children or adults. They may also have experienced neglect in childhood.Mental health issues. Among those at highest risk are people who experience many negative emotions and are highly self-critical. People who self-injure are more likely to be impulsive and to have poor problem-solving skills. In addition, self-injury is commonly associated with certain mental illnesses, including borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder and eating disorders.Alcohol or substance use. People who harm themselves often do so while under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs.

Complications:

Self-injury can cause a variety of complications, including:

Worsening feelings of shame, guilt and low self-esteem.

Infection, either from your wounds or from sharing implements.

Life-threatening problems, such as blood loss if major blood vessels or arteries are cut.

Accidental or deliberate suicide. You may unintentionally injure yourself fatally, especially if you injure yourself while under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs. You're also at higher risk of deliberately taking your own life.

Permanent scars or disfigurement.

In addition, people who self-injure are also more likely to get into car accidents.

Preparing for your appointment:

Your first appointment to start treating your self-injury may be with a school nurse or counselor, your family doctor, or a general practitioner. But because self-injury often requires specialized mental health care, you may be referred to a mental health provider for evaluation and treatment.

What you can do

Being an active participant in your care can help your recovery efforts. One way to do this is by preparing for your first appointment. Think about what your needs and goals for treatment are. Also, write down a list of questions to ask. These may include:

Why can't I get better on my own?

How do you treat self-injury?

Are there medications that might help?

How often will we meet?

What should I do if I have an urge to self-injure between therapy sessions?

How long will treatment take?

What can I do to help myself?

What to expect from your doctor

Your doctor is likely to ask you a number of questions about your self-injury and emotional state. Your doctor may ask such questions as:

When did you first begin harming yourself?

How frequently do you injure yourself?

What methods do you use to harm yourself?

What feelings and thoughts do you have before, during and after self-injury?

What triggers you to harm yourself?

What makes you feel better or worse?

Tests and diagnosis:

Unless you're ready to stop self-injuring and you tell someone about your behavior, it can be difficult for a doctor or therapist to diagnose self-injury. Sometimes self-injury is discovered accidentally. For instance, a doctor doing a routine medical examination may notice signs, such as scars or fresh injuries.

In any case, there's no specific diagnostic test for self-injury. Diagnosis is based on a physical and mental evaluation. During an initial evaluation for self-injury, a health care provider may ask you such questions as:

When your self-injury began

How often you cut or injure yourself in other ways

What types of self-injury you use

What seems to trigger your self-injury

What emotional issues you face

What social networks or relationships you have

What previous treatment, if any, you've had

Your feelings about the future

Whether you have thoughts of suicide

A definitive diagnosis may require evaluation by a mental health provider with experience in treating self-injury. A mental health provider may also evaluate you for other mental illnesses that may accompany self-injury, such as depression or personality disorders.

Treatments and drugs:

There's no one best way to treat self-injury. Treatment is tailored to your specific issues and any related mental health conditions you might have, such as depression. Treating self-injury can take time, hard work and your own desire to recover. Because self-injury can become such a major part of your life and it's often accompanied by serious mental disorders, treatment with a mental health professional experienced in self-injury issues may be necessary.

Treatment options for self-injury include:

Psychotherapy

Also known as talk therapy, counseling or behavior therapy, psychotherapy can help you identify and manage underlying issues that trigger self-injury. Therapy can also help you learn skills to better tolerate stress, regulate your emotions, boost your self-image, better your relationships and improve your problem-solving skills.

Several types of psychotherapy in particular may be helpful, including:

Cognitive behavioral therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy

Psychodynamic psychotherapy

In addition to individual therapy sessions, family therapy or group therapy also may be recommended.

Medications

There are no medications that specifically treat self-injury. However, your doctor may recommend treatment with antidepressants or other psychiatric medications that can help improve depression, anxiety or other mental disorders commonly associated with self-injury. An improvement in these symptoms may help you feel less compelled to hurt yourself.

Psychiatric hospitalization

If you injure yourself severely or repeatedly, your doctor may recommend admission for psychiatric hospitalization. Hospitalization can provide a safe environment and more intensive treatment until you get through a crisis. Day treatment programs also may be an option.

Lifestyle and home remedies:

While you generally shouldn't try to treat self-injury on your own, you can do some things for yourself that will build on your treatment plan. In addition to professional treatment, follow these self-care tips for self-injury:

Stick to your treatment plan, including attending psychotherapy appointments and taking prescribed medications as directed.

Fully disclose incidents of self-injury to your doctor.

Care properly for your wounds when you do injure yourself, such as seeking medical treatment when necessary and following appropriate first-aid guidelines.

Don't share instruments used for self-injury, which raises the risk of infectious disease.

Coping and support:

If you or a loved one is suicidal or in emotional distress, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24-hour crisis line at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255).

Coping tips if you self-injure

Try to find ways to cope other than injuring yourself, such as reaching out to a friend, practicing relaxation techniques, contacting a support group or getting in touch with your doctor.

Resolve not to underestimate the ability to change your life in positive ways.

Avoid alcohol and illegal drugs; they affect your ability to make good decisions and can put you at risk of self-injuring.

Shun Internet sites that support or glamorize self-injury. Instead, seek out sites that are supportive of your recovery efforts.

Coping tips if your loved one self-injures

Try not to judge or criticize. Criticism may increase the risk of self-harming behavior.Let your child know you love him or her no matter what.Take care of yourself, too. Take some time to do the things you enjoy doing, and get adequate rest. You may also find it helpful to talk to other people who've gone through the same thing you're going through now. Ask your child's or loved one's doctor or therapist if there are any local support groups for parents or other loved ones of people who self-injure.

Prevention:

There is no sure way to prevent self-injury. Prevention strategies may need to involve both individuals and communities, including parents, schools, medical professionals and coaches, for instance.

Ways to reduce the risk of self-injury may include:

Identifying people most at risk and offering help. For instance, those at risk can be taught resilience and healthy coping skills that they can then draw on during periods of distress.Expanding social networks. Many people who self-injure feel lonely and disconnected. Forming connections to people who don't self-injure can improve relationship and communication skills.Raising awareness. Adults, especially those who work with children, should be educated about the warning signs of self-injury, and what to do when they suspect self-injury.Promoting programs encouraging peers to seek help. Peers tend to be loyal to friends even when they know a friend is in crisis. Programs that encourage youths to reach out to adults may chip away at social norms supporting secrecy.Offering education about media influence. News media, music and other highly visible outlets that feature self-injury may nudge vulnerable children and young adults to experiment. Teaching children critical thinking skills about the influences around them might reduce the harmful impact.

Trauma and Relationships

After experiencing traumatic situations,

many people find their relationships with

others are affected. It is common for the

overwhelming circumstances of traumatic

events to influence one’s interactions with

friends, family, coworkers, and others.

While these reactions are unique to each

person and are related to their particular

experience of trauma, most people share

some typical responses to what has

happened to them. Traumatic events deeply

challenge people’s sense of safety and

security in the world. Their confidence in

the future may be shaken, the way they

understand the meaning of life may be

changed, and the way they think and feel

about themselves may be different.

Relationships can reflect these feelings in a

variety of ways.

No matter what traumatic event or

circumstance a person endures, whether it is

the sudden death of a loved one, an aviation

disaster, a hate crime, community violence,

childhood abuse, sexual assault, war, or

refugee circumstances, it is natural for the

experience to affect relationships with

others. This includes events that occur once

or continue over time, those that are caused

naturally or intentionally, and those that

affect a person together with others in their

community or individually. Regardless of

the distinct nature of each of these

experiences, the disruption to people’s lives

from traumatic events may also cause

disruptions in their feelings for and

connections to others.

How trauma affects relationships:

Living through traumatic events may result

in expectations of danger, betrayal, or

potential harm within new or old

relationships. Survivors may feel vulnerable

and confused about what is safe, and

therefore it may be difficult to trust others,

even those whom they trusted in the past. It

may feel frightening to get close to people

for fear of being hurt in an unsafe world. Or

people may feel angry at their helplessness

and the loss of control in their lives, and

become aggressive or try to control others.

Anger and aggression may also arise

because, after traumatic experiences, a

person may feel threatened very easily. This

defensive aggression is a natural reaction for

a person who feels threatened.

An individual’s sense of who he or she is

may also be affected.Trauma survivors may

feel intense shame, unlovable or bad in

some way, or guilty about what happened to

them or about something that they did or

feel that they should have done in the

traumatic situation. A person may feel that

no one can truly understand what has

occurred, or may worry that it is a burden

to discuss these experiences within a close

relationship. For some it becomes natural to

isolate from others, withdrawing from

friends, family, coworkers, and life, feeling

distant, disconnected, or detached. Others

may become anxious or frightened in

relation to others, experience them as

having power or control, or easily feel

abandoned or rejected. Still others may

become overprotective or dependent. Many

trauma survivors feel emotionally numb

and have trouble feeling or expressing

positive emotions in a relationship. Also,

physical intimacy may be more difficult and

some survivors of traumatic experiences

may find it difficult or impossible to have a

fulfilling sexual relationship. Some people

experience many of these feelings, which

can be confusing or frightening.

When trauma occurs

within relationships:

If trauma has occurred within a

relationship, for instance if an intimate

partner abuses an adult, it can be

particularly difficult to relate comfortably

in close relationships. In these

circumstances, trust has been betrayed, an

intimate connection has been lost, and an

expected support system is instead

dangerous. A fear that others are not

trustworthy and an inability to find safety

may result. Developing closeness may be

confusing, frightening, tentative, or avoided

entirely. Tenderness, sexuality, and physical

closeness may be affected.

When traumatic experiences occur early in

childhood, for instance when a child is

sexually abused by a trusted family

member, the most basic aspects of trust and

safety within a primary relationship are

undermined. The disrupted earliest

attachments affect that person’s ability to

feel calm and to expect caring, responsive,

comforting connections in adult life.

Memories and feelings of betrayal, loss,

shame, secrecy, violation, and threats to

bodily integrity may surface or become part

of later relationships. For some people, after

childhood abuse or neglect, their

relationships may express the struggle to

develop basic trust and create safe

attachments.

How long are relationships affected

after traumatic experiences?:

The range of reactions affecting

relationships after traumatic experiences

varies over time. The impact may last

several weeks or months for some people, as

they gradually return to earlier ways of

relating, and find their relationships can be

supportive and safe. For others, it may take

a longer time before they become more

comfortable approaching and sustaining

their relationships safely. And some people

may find their relationships are deeply

affected; they may be unable to relate

comfortably with others or to establish or

reestablish connections with them. Many

reasons exist for this, including the

experience of traumatic events, the

existence of previous trauma, current life

circumstances, and coping styles of dealing

with significant stress and loss.

Treatment can help:

Treatment is available to respond to these

difficult experiences, minimize isolation,

and restore a sense of hope. It can be

helpful to discuss traumatic experiences,

feelings of grief, and relationship difficulties

with a professional who is familiar with the

complex effects of trauma. A therapist can

offer a safe relationship for building trust

and a sense of security. The opportunity

within that relationship to establish

meaning, purpose, and hope can be a first

step in developing or reestablishing

relationships with others and with oneself,

building a social network of support, and

engaging more fully with life.

How to find help:

A family doctor, clergy person, health clinic,

local mental health association, state

psychiatric, psychological, or social work

association, or health insurer may be

helpful in providing a referral to a

counselor or therapist with experience

treating people affected by trauma. For

more information about trauma or the

International Society of Traumatic Stress

Studies, call 1-877-469-PTSD (7873).

60 Revere Drive, Suite 500, Northbrook, IL 60062 USA

Tel: 847/480-9028 Fax: 847/480-9282

Toll free: 877/469-7873

www.istss.org

Domestic violence against men: Know the signs

Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to identify, but it can be a serious threat. Know how to recognize if you're being abused — and how to get help.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Women aren't the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help.

Recognize domestic violence against men

Domestic violence — also known as domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same sex relationships.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again.

In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry — and neither partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. This type of violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

Prevents you from going to work or school

Stops you from seeing family members or friends

Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear

Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

Threatens you with violence or a weapon

Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets

Assaults you while you're sleeping, you've been drinking or you're not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength

Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual

If you're gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity

Tells you that authorities won't help a gay, bisexual or transgender person

Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant

Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" gay, bisexual or transgender

Says that men are naturally violent

Children and abuse

Domestic violence affects children, even if they're just witnesses. If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

Break the cycle

If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

Your abuser threatens violence.

Your abuser strikes you.

Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.

The cycle repeats itself.

Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.

Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious. You might be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Domestic violence can even trigger suicide attempts. Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to talk about or report incidents of domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment or fear of ridicule. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will be minimized because you're a man. Similarly, a man being abused by another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation. Additionally, if you seek help, you might confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. You might also fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you'll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you're being abused, you aren't to blame — and help is available.

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. However, you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:

Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn't around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.

Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.

Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there.

Protect your communication and location

An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your physical location. If you're concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:

Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your complete call and texting history.Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend's house to seek help.Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.Frequently change your email password. Choose a password that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you've viewed.Where to seek help

In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:

Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker or religious or spiritual adviser for support.National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to other local resources.A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in abusive relationships are available in most communities.A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

"I feel depressed, but my boyfriend/husband doesn't seem to care, and won't help me with it.

Is it possible that my depression is being caused by my relationship?"

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused. That's not necessarily true. You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not have recognized that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING

(MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phase 1 - TENSION BUILDING:

Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser.

Phase 4 - CALM:

Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place. Phase 2 - INCIDENT:

Verbal and emotional abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.

Phase 3 - RECONCILIATION:

Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.

The original three-phase Cycle of Violence theory was developed by Dr. Lenore Walker

The fourth phase was added by unknown persons in shelter handouts, pamphlets etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To consider whether your partner emotionally abuses you, look at the information available on physical abusers. The patterns are similar:

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EFFECTS

OF LONG-TERM EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE

ON THE VICTIM

Isolation from others - Low self-esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - Illness - Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from real life into an Internet alternative reality

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce

Moving on after a relationship ends

It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Healing after a divorce or breakup

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.

Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)

Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional

Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:

Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.

Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.

Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.

Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

Am I depressed or having a normal reaction to the divorce or breakup?

Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after awhile, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression. When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or feeling numb, lifeless and empty.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.

Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at your school, synagogue, or church.

Children and Divorce

If you’re a parent, you may be worried about the effect of the divorce on your children. While divorce can be hard on kids, you can help them through this difficult time.

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup

A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup leaves you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible.

Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips:

Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.

Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.

Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.

Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions.

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.

Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Tips for Getting Better Sleep

Healthy Eating

Exercise for Exercise Haters

Stress Relief

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:

Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?

Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?

Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?

Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.

Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.